I was sitting on a small wooden log in a private Ayahuasca ceremony, watching the fire draw angelic shapes in its flame, feeling the warmth of the air caress my face, while the river carried a constant, strong sound to me. The sky opened up with the constellations, and the Big Dipper became visible with its little bear. It seemed like a magic spell, where everything was perfectly synchronized with what I was experiencing inside.
The sensations in my stomach became increasingly clear, and the contractions that made me want to vomit, seized by a sweet dizziness, showed me the feelings stuck, perhaps for a long time, in my throat: a stifled cry, an unspoken word, an unexpressed sigh, a feeling of loneliness and a strong desire to be accompanied, hugged, held. The feeling of disappearing if I am not noticed by others.
Then someone appears, offers me a delicious perfume, smiles at me, and asks, “How are you?” Then everything changes, and my heart calms, and the stifled cry turns into sweet words and gratitude.
It feels good to be alive in private Ayahuasca ceremonies. Being held, supported, causes something to relax deeply and all fear to disappear. Feelings of aversion turn into harmony. Then vomiting comes, and it comes out in the form of relief, stimulated by the sweet and bewitching aromas that stir to the bones, cleansing, transmuting, purifying.
Letting go feels good in private Ayahuasca ceremonies, because there is someone waiting for me on the other side of the abyss: a respectful, warm, loving gaze; A friendly hand ready to hold me, and a wise word that tells me: “You’re doing so well, it was about time. You can move forward, advance on your path, new flowers will bloom and everything will change. Welcome the learning, you are learning. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Thank you for learning.”
Then those words touch my soul, and I feel them deeply within me. I am here to learn. There is nothing wrong with me. I am an eternal learner, and I am certain that I am doing the best I can.
Faith takes hold within me, and compassion allows me to forgive myself for the time I have wasted life’s gifts. Now I see the universe as immensely beautiful and nourishing, filled with so many gifts. I see the love of my dad and mom, the family, I see the joy in my grandparents’ laughter, I see the innocence and tenderness in the children around me, I see the art, the curiosity, the mischief, and I remember the beauty of being a child and being innocent, only this time with a bit of maturity. I trust in life and I smile.
It feels good to inhabit this body, in these private Ayahuasca ceremonies. I have been able to surrender completely to feeling, in every breath, and this has taken me on a journey of self-knowledge. I opened the door to the interior of my being, and within it the mysteries have been revealed. I am light, and I am remembering my origin in the stars.
Inside, there is a fire immanent in the heart: it never goes out, it warms and does not burn. It is like the light of an eternal flame, bright and vibrant, which infinitely nourishes every space and every corner of my soul. I am eternal.
I discovered that life is a sweet enchantment. In private Ayahuasca ceremonies, the most beautiful things are revealed before my eyes: the flight of the hummingbird, the song of the sparrow, the shapes of the butterflies, the stripes of the tiger, the cunning of the boa, the gaze of the eagle and the condor from above, the song of the toad, the cricket, the cuckoo… They all bring an enchantment that helps me live, to fall in love with everything around me: the freshness of the rain, the darkness of the earth, the strength of the wind, and the warmth of the sun. The sap of the earth, and every plant, tree, flower, and bush bewitch me with their exuberant and exquisite beauty: the rainbow, and the people of all races and tribes. Everything is a sweet enchantment.
I let myself go in each vision and feel the love for life, which is the same love for humanity. I recognize myself as sensitive, vulnerable, I open my heart to love and accept the risk of also feeling pain.
I understand, in private Ayahuasca ceremonies, that loving is a state of grace in which we are all part of the universe and are sons and daughters of life, of light, of the sun, and of the earth. Loving is a state of divine order in which I recognize myself as essential as a grain of sand, a drop of rain, or a star in this eternity. With that understanding, something within me is complete, settles, feels right. Something that says happiness has arrived in my life, and it is this state of peace where I can be one with all creation.